The Art of the Beg
Copyright Screamer, 2000
All Rights Reserved
(this means, don't use this article without asking first!)

I've done some extensive web searching, and in "my hour of need", I never came across an essay about begging.  Maybe it's because it's a subject no one wants to talk about, or maybe it's simply that it's such a personalized area, it's hard to write something for the masses about this.  Regardless, after the last few months, and my own trial and error with this, I thought I'd at least write a little to give folks something to get started with.  This is one of those classic situations that I often get asked about myself - "How do I....".  I'm no expert at this point, but maybe my insight and experience will give you a little something to go on, eh?

Let's take a look at what begging, in a Dominance and submission sense is.  In my experience, a Dominant asking for begging for his submissive can do so for several reasons:
 - Control
 - Wanting to break down the submissive's walls for a period of time
 - Because he likes to hear begging <g>

Now, let's take a look at why some submissives have trouble with begging:
 - They were raised that "Good girls don't do that"
 - It sounds like whining to them when they do it
 - They're holding onto that part of themselves that says "I shouldn't *have* to beg."

I'm sure there are other reasons, on both fronts, but let's work with these for now.

I'd never been very good at begging.  Be that because I have some over-inflated sense of pride, or because it just feels funny to me, I've just never been very good at it.

Until recently.

Good communication about why the Dominant wants to hear begging and why the submissive has trouble begging is always a good place to start.  If your Dominant wants to you beg, take some good down time - non-scene time - and ask him why he likes it.  What sorts of things does he like to hear?  It's likely he'll tell you "I don't want to tell you that, I want it to be sincere".  If so, then you're going to have to do a trial and error period.  You're on your own, but you're not sunk!

If he does tell you, listen closely to his reasoning.  It may not be easy for him to define, either, so keep that in mind and be patient.  Ask questions, if you need to, but be supportive, too.  If he's willing to tell you about it, then be willing to listen!

I tell you, the most important thing that I was told was "I want to know that you *need* it, more than *want* it."  This made perfect sense to me, and has worked in all situations where begging was appropriate <grin>.  This may or may not work for you, but it's one avenue to try.

You also might try explaining to him why it's hard for you to do this.  If you have trouble putting it into words, perhaps you can do some role-playing, and work on it as you go.  For instance, if you sit down across from him, and he says something like "Beg for a kiss." And you start, and it feels funny, stop and explain why you're having trouble.  (Yes, it's kind of silly, but this kind of role-playing does have a tendency to break down walls that might not be broken down any other way)

Instead of saying "I want you to xxx me", say "I NEED you to xxx me, please!" or, instead of "I really want to do this for you", you could say "I NEED to do this for you, please allow me to serve you in this way!"  Such a simply change of wording is sometimes all it takes to change a request into a beg.

After you've worked past that, the only thing you can do is practice.  Practice with your Dominant in ways you hadn't imagined you'd need to beg.  Beg to eat.  Beg to go to the bathroom.  Beg to take a nap.  I believe that if you continue to work at this, with your Dominant's help, it will become easier and easier as time goes on.

As far as "good girls don't do that", or "I shouldn't have to beg", maybe it's time to do some soul searching on what you're really looking for in a D/s relationship.  If you're a submissive, and your dominant wants to hear you beg, "shouldn't have to" shouldn't enter into the equation.  And yes, maybe "good girls don't do that" but how many good girls are knee-deep in D/s? <grin>

What if you try it, practice, and it still makes your skin crawl?

Then it's time for an honest talk with your Dominant.  Try to reach some sort of compromise with him about this.  If you're doing it, and it feels "icky", you'll soon come to resent having to do it.  That's a road you don't want to travel.

I wish you luck!

Screamer, December 2000
 


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