(whether you want to or not!)
Copyright Screamer, 1999
All rights reserved
Don't even think about using this without my written permission.
For those of us who came of age in BDSM in the
computer age, there seems to be some discrepancy between the realities
and the fantasies of this lifestyle.
I'm your Auntie Screamer, and I'm here to help
clear those up for you. Pay attention. I'm only going to say this once.
1. "You do have rights. You have the right to walk away. If you believe otherwise, it's time for a dip in the reality pool."
2. "No one can keep up a 24/7 lifestyle for long without a break for comedy relief, and a swift dose of kids, family, work and car problems."
3. "No man has an erection continuously. Unless they're priaptic, in which case, a doctor's visit is in order."
4. "There is such a thing as PMS, and no amount of Domming is going to make it go away."
5. "A chainsaw is not a sex toy."
6. "Your cyber safeword is the off button on the front of your computer. Use it."
7. "There *is* going to be a time when you don't feel like having sex. It *does* happen. Prepare yourself mentally for it."
8. "24/7 is not a myth. 24/7 in chains, naked and kneeling is."
9. "There will come a time when you see your Dominant scratching himself, belching and in need of a shower. Prepare yourself for that as well."
10. "No one understands your collar but you. Showing it off at Safeway isn't exactly a statement."
11. "The distance is not insurmountable. It is inconvenient and irritating, and it will grate on your nerves unless you fill your time with other things."
12. "Eventually, you're going to have to take those cuffs off to take the kids to the doctor. Get used to it."
13. "Speaking of doctors, tell yours what you're into, or be prepared to deal with social services on a regular basis."
14. "You really don't need another flogger. What you need is a new microwaves and a pair of hundred dollar tennis shoes for your teenager. Know when to say when to the toy bag."
15. "People get sick. People die. Use a condom, please, unless you've been tested twice in the last year, and so has your partner."
16. "Don't walk away from your friends. You might well need them later, when your dream Dominant turns into a frog."
17. "If you want something, ask. Ask respectfully, ask in role, ask in good faith. But ask. If you don't, chances are, you ain't gonna get it."
18. "Just because you call yourself a slave doesn't mean that others will agree with your definition. Be prepared to defend your views, but don't bark at others for their opinions. They have a right to them, same as you do."
19. "Don't believe everything you read, especially if it comes from John Norman."
20. "Just because the screen name says Master doesn't mean he is one."
21. "Find a way to orgasm without BDSM. You may need that someday."
22. "Safecalls work. Use them."
23. "There are things you won't do. Trust me. Maybe you just haven't been asked to do them yet."
24. "This ain't always all about sex. Don't expect to get a nut every time you play. Then you won't be disappointed when it happens to you. Orgasms are nice, but not mandatory."
25. "People are not always nice. You will not play at every party you attend. You will get hurt non-consensually sometimes."
26. "Your Dominant is not a mind reader."
27. "Forever is not as long as you might think. Sometimes, it's just until she changes her mind again."
28. "The Mistress is not always dressed in thigh highs and hose. The Dominant does not always have his flogger nearby. Sometimes, it's time for sweat pants and hot cocoa."
29. "An argument is not the end of the world. Not resolving it, however, might be."
30. "Sometimes, a fuck is just a fuck. A beating
is just a beating. And a kiss is just a kiss. Enjoy it, remember it, and
I hope you've enjoyed your dip in the reality
pool. Wipe your feet before going back in the house, and don't drip on
my new parquet floors.
Auntie Screamer, RealityVixen at large.
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